My Lopsided Face

A true story about a broken tooth, my lopsided face, and chasing beauty.

I had a lopsided face for a while. A finicky crown fitting on my top left molar forced me to chew exclusively on the right side of my mouth. The issue persisted for two years, my right jaw growing stronger, my left jaw weaker, until I looked in the mirror one day and thought: shit.

Apparently symmetry matters in beauty. I’m not supposed to care about being beautiful, except when you’re a woman it’s impossible not to notice how people treat you when you’re dolled up and how they treat you when you’re not. You’re more likely to get your way if you’re pretty. You’re also more likely to get unwanted attention, which seems like a lousy deal.

I think about this a lot.

I had a friend in town recently. We were sitting over beers and she admitted that she often lies about her age, not just to coworkers, but to friends and doctors, too. I was taken aback. “What? Why?”

She shrugged. “It’s just a habit. I do it automatically.”

“But doctors? Don’t they need to know your age for health reasons?”

“Not, like, all doctors.” She looked up thoughtfully. “Dentists, mostly.”  

The thing is, my friend isn’t old. Thirty-five. What’s the shame in thirty-five? She later told me she’d never had any work done, but I looked at her wrinkles and compared them to mine and thought that must be a lie too. I have nothing against plastic surgery, I’m not one to judge, I had a crooked face and for a time it made me vain and dissatisfied. But there’s no end to it. You can always be prettier, skinnier, whatever, and by that logic, you could quit where you are now and take back the time you’ll waste chasing something that will not (and I speak from experience) make you happy, and that might very well make you unhappy.

I was recently interviewed for a piece in Thrive Magazine and they asked me if I could share a message, what would it be? I think I said something about following dreams, but given more thought, I would have said this: I have a body that I like, and a face that I like, and I still don’t really like either. Beauty isn’t worthless but it is empty and those abs you think you need or the Botox or the lipstick plugged by an Instagram influencer for $120 (but 10% off with code IAMBEAUTIFUL!) should never take precedence. Put your mirrors away. Quit picking yourself apart. What are you reading? What are you creating? What matters to you, really?

Anyway, I got the tooth fixed. For the last six months, I’ve chewed entirely on the left, and my face looks almost symmetrical again. I’ve decided not to worry about the last 10 percent. Frankly, I can’t remember if my jaw was ever truly even in the first place, and I’d like to get back to enjoying my food. It’s a small rebellion but better than none. ■

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Have your own thoughts about the culture of beauty? Want to express your opinion on aging? Just looking to say hello? Like this post and leave a comment! (You’ll need to sign in to do so, but community makes Substack better and I think it’s worth the extra minute).

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Last Week’s Newspaper Clippings

A Few Questions, Comments & Replies from the Week of July 4

I didn't publish my first book until I was 69. Then 73 for Book 2. So as much as I would love recognition, more sales, etc., I have to remind myself that the writing and publishing all by itself is something of an accomplishment for an old lady. The satisfaction I get from that alone comes and goes, but I'm trying to learn to "enjoy the journey." Thanks for your posts. They're inspiring.

Hey Patricia -

There's that saying that you're never too old, and I firmly believe it. The publishing world is hard and it's always good to show ourselves a bit of grace. Also, I think it's wonderful that you've published two novels, as many writer-hopefuls don't publish any.

- S.G.

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Hey S.G.

Great article. I've been following Simone's career as well and was disappointed about the low score/controversy surrounding her double pike. Seems like she's not even getting that "high" you mention for her biggest achievement. Oh well. I do agree that it shouldn't always be about that. You have to love what you're doing first, otherwise what do achievements matter?

Hey J.R.,

Interestingly, Simone has since talked about pushing the boundaries of gymnastics for their own sake and not for the score, or perhaps even pushing the boundaries knowing she might end up with a lower score for it. So I think she would agree.

- S.G.

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I always taught my students that history is a story & that's why I enjoyed teaching it - I love/live to tell stories. Remember, Point of View is Everything, Things are not always as they seem, and We All Got History!

Hey Mr. Holmes,

I'd never been much into history until recently. Now I feel like I've done a 180 and am thrilled by it for exactly the reason you've mentioned -- history is a story. I know your students always appreciated your teachings. Cheers and thank you for sharing.

- S.G.

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About Napkin Scratch

I have a lot of stories to tell. Most of them are deep, long-winded and too serious for social media. I started Napkin Scratch as a place for those stories to live, not really sure if I’d have an audience, since the internet is for twerking and cat memes and nothing longer than 150 characters. Not that I mind a good quick hit of dopamine, but can’t we have substance, too? You guys have been interested in what I’m writing and are proving that online conversation is not dead. Thank you for that.

About Me

I’m a fantasy author and the creator of Napkin Scratch. You can find my debut book trilogy here. You can also visit my website or follow me on Instagram / Twitter!